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Nutella: A State of Superior Perception

Filed under: The Squib Report   Tagged: , , , , , , ,

Martin Schneider writes:

I was on chat with a friend when suddenly he typed at me,

SquibFriend [not his real handle]: I love Nutella

Sigh. Yet another subject where my best information is New Yorker-derived:

Squib [not my real handle]: LOL. in italy it’s a very big deal
SquibFriend: I should move there
SquibFriend: it’s brilliant!
Squib: they have like nutella political parties and stuff

One-minute pause.

Squib: did you just have some?
SquibFriend: in the process
SquibFriend: spooning it, baby
Squib: spooning it!
Squib: how naughty!
SquibFriend: don’t need no fucking bread
SquibFriend: just gimme the jar and the spoon!
SquibFriend: yargh!

According to The New Yorker, Nutella “is made to be spread on bread but more often ends up being eaten in hasty spoonfuls, straight from the jar.” So true, so true!

Squib: please don’t tell me you will consume a whole jar tonight
SquibFriend: 13 oz.
SquibFriend: is that bad?
Squib: mmmm, not recommended
SquibFriend: uh, then no…
SquibFriend: no I, uh, won’t
Squib: LOL
Squib: excellent liar

Five-minute pause.

SquibFriend: how’s 1/2 a jar?

My friend, fiend for hazelnut goo, would no doubt have been shocked to learn that in 1994, Silvio Berlusconi’s political party sponsored an “Il Primo Nutella Party,” where guests spread Nutella “over their partners and licked it off”! It’s difficult to imagine our political elite engaging publicly in such activities (except maybe at Bohemian Grove).

In 1993, a writer for Italy’s La Stampa got out the purple pen, calling Nutella’s more engaging properties “a devouring passion. Uncontrollable. It has struck heads of state, bewitched artists, seduced poets. The love for Nutella is inexplicable, it just is…. More than a food, it is a category of spirit, a state of superior perception.” (The charms of peanut butter are decidedly more mundane.)

All Nutella facts and quotations in this post are derived from a delightful and informative 3/6/95 TOTT (by Andrea Lee, who is, I now learn, the author of the 2006 novel Lost Hearts in Italy, which may or may not feature a diverting Nutella-related subplot).


Hmm, I never got into Nutella, although it was pressed upon me by Nutella-pushers left and right in France over the years! (I was a hard-core Cote d’Or extra-dark chocolate bar with a fresh baguette kind of girl.) But it’s a great name, and if I ever have a baby I’ll definitely name her “Nutella.”

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