I was just teasing before. Race to the New Yorker Festival site and get your tix, quick! You'll have stiff competition for your top choices, so I hope your hand-to-mouse coordination is up to speed. All those video-game-playing and political-blog-reading hours have surely been good for something!

Revised: Aha, I got ahead of myself; the schedule's not actually up yet, nor can you purchase tickets yet, so rest your hot little hands for now. Revised again: I'd decided to eighty-six this post and let you subscribe to the Festival Wire to get it your own self, but it seems if you sign up today you won't get the schedule, so I'll leave it up. You should really subscribe anyway.

Text-reddening and related links mine. Thanks, commenter, for the alert! You can buy your tickets on Sept. 7, so get your fingers limber before then. And do me a favor—don't leave annoying messages on the Festival Comment Line. A very nice young man has to field them, and people barking about not getting Trillin tickets makes him sad, I hear.

FRIDAY, OCTOBER 6
An evening of paired readings by writers whose stories have appeared in The New Yorker; a New Yorker Town Hall Meeting on Islam and the West; and a New Yorker dance party.

FICTION NIGHT

Monica Ali and Aleksandar Hemon
7 P.M. Ailey Citigroup Theatre ($16)

Donald Antrim and Tobias Wolff
7 P.M. Cedar Lake Dance Studios ($16)

Yiyun Li and Edwidge Danticat
7 P.M. Bowery Poetry Club ($16)

Lorrie Moore and Julian Barnes
7 P.M. Newspace ($16)

Antonya Nelson and Thomas McGuane
7 P.M. Anthology Film Archives ($16)

Uwem Akpan and Louise Erdrich
9:30 P.M. Bowery Poetry Club ($16)

Charles D’Ambrosio and Sherman Alexie
9:30 P.M. Anthology Film Archives ($16)

Andrea Lee and T. Coraghessan Boyle
9:30 P.M. Cedar Lake Dance Studios ($16)

Jonathan Safran Foer and Edward P. Jones
9:30 P.M. Newspace ($16)

Gary Shteyngart and George Saunders
9:30 P.M. Ailey Citigroup Theatre ($16)

THE NEW YORKER DANCE PARTY
Join the internationally renowned d.j. Michael Mayer and The New Yorker’s Sasha Frere-Jones for a night of minimal techno and house music.
10 P.M. to 2 A.M. T New York ($20)
(Please note: You must be 21 to be admitted to this event.)

THE NEW YORKER TOWN HALL MEETING ON ISLAM AND THE WEST
Moderated by New Yorker staff writer George Packer. Panelists, to be announced, will include political figures, scholars, writers, and Muslim leaders.
7 P.M. Town Hall ($10)


SATURDAY, OCTOBER 7
A day of interviews, panel discussions, and New Yorker Talks, a new series; a poetry reading with John Ashbery; an About Town lunch prepared by Mario Batali.

WRITERS AND THEIR SUBJECTS

Manolo Blahnik and Michael Specter
1 P.M. Supper Club ($25)

The Honorable Stephen Breyer and Jeffrey Toobin
4 P.M. Celeste Bartos Forum
The New York Public Library ($25)

A poetry reading by John Ashbery
4 P.M. Florence Gould Hall
French Institute Alliance Française ($25)

IN CONVERSATION WITH

Roz Chast interviewed by Steve Martin
10 A.M. Supper Club ($25)

Calvin Trillin interviewed by Mark Singer
10 A.M. Celeste Bartos Forum
The New York Public Library ($25)

Garry Kasparov interviewed by David Remnick
1 P.M. 37 Arts ($25)

Tom Stoppard interviewed by John Lahr
1 P.M. Directors Guild of America ($25)

Pedro Almodóvar interviewed by David Denby
4 P.M. Directors Guild of America ($25)

NEW YORKER TALKS

Oliver Sacks
Revisiting “Awakenings”
10 A.M. Florence Gould Hall
French Institute Alliance Française ($25)

Anthony Lane
This Is Not Acting: Ava Gardner and the Mysteries of Stardom
1 P.M. 37 Arts ($25)

PANELS

Global Warming
With James Hansen, Martin Hoffert, Robert Socolow, and Timothy E. Wirth. Elizabeth Kolbert, moderator.
10 A.M. 37 Arts ($25)

Midterm Elections
With Barney Frank and Dana Rohrabacher. Hendrik Hertzberg, moderator.
10 A.M. 37 Arts ($25)

Fiction Into Film
With Michael Cunningham, Jhumpa Lahiri, Mira Nair, Edward Norton, Sarah Polley, and Liev Schreiber. Deborah Treisman, moderator.
10 A.M. Directors Guild of America ($25)

Winning the War on Terror
With Bradford Berenson, Deborah Pearlstein, Michael Scheuer, and Ali Soufan. Jane Mayer, moderator.
1 P.M. Celeste Bartos Forum
The New York Public Library ($25)

TV, Movies, and the Mob
With Lorraine Bracco, Paul Haggis, Harold Ramis, Gerald Shargel, and Frank Vincent. Jeffrey Goldberg, moderator.
1 P.M. Florence Gould Hall
French Institute Alliance Française ($25)

Fake News
With Andy Borowitz, Scott Dikkers, and Ben Karlin. Nick Paumgarten, moderator.
4 P.M. 37 Arts ($25)

Medical Breakthroughs: The Next Frontier
With J. Michael Bishop, Daniel Callahan, Eric Kandel, and Eric Topol. Atul Gawande, moderator.
4 P.M. 37 Arts ($25)

ABOUT TOWN

What You Can Do with Boiling Water
Mario Batali talks with Bill Buford
Mario Batali will discuss making, cooking, and serving pasta with Bill Buford as the two of them make lunch. Their dishes will be served with a selection of Italian wines.
1 P.M. Italian Wine Merchants ($125)

BOOK SIGNINGS
(Please note the schedule of book signings at the bottom of this e-mail.)
11 A.M. to 5 P.M.
Barnes & Noble Booksellers
Union Square (Free)

SATURDAY NIGHT, OCTOBER 7
Early and Late Shift events, many of them featuring live musical performance, throughout the city. There will also be an evening New Yorker Talk, with Lawrence Wright, and a sneak preview of the feature film “Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan.”

EARLY SHIFT

Steve Coogan talks with George Saunders
7:30 P.M. Cedar Lake Dance Studios ($35)

Milos Forman talks with David Denby
7:30 P.M. Directors Guild of America ($35)

PJ Harvey talks with Hilton Als:
A Conversation with Music
7:30 P.M. Supper Club ($35)
(Please note: You must be 21 to be admitted to this event.)

Liev Schreiber talks with John Lahr
7:30 P.M. Newspace ($35)

NEW YORKER TALKS

Lawrence Wright
“My Trip to Al-Qaeda”
8:30 P.M. 37 Arts ($25)

LATE SHIFT

Composers on the Edge
Mason Bates, Corey Dargel, Nico Muhly, and Joanna Newsom talk with Alex Ross:
A Conversation with Music
10 P.M. BargeMusic ($35)

The New Pornographers talk with James Surowiecki:
A Conversation with Music
10 P.M. Newspace ($35)

Randy Newman talks with Susan Morrison:
A Conversation with Music
10 P.M. Supper Club ($35)
(Please note: You must be 21 to be admitted to this event.)

Gustavo Santaolalla talks with Jon Lee Anderson:
A Conversation with Music
10 P.M. Cedar Lake Dance Studios ($35)

Saturday Night Sneak Preview
“Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan”
10 P.M. Directors Guild of America ($15)


SUNDAY, OCTOBER 8
A free screening of “Barry Lyndon,” with an accompanying talk by Simon Schama; a day of About Town excursions and events throughout the city; a benefit interview with Jon Stewart; talks by New Yorker writers; and a series of Master Classes.

ABOUT TOWN

Cruising Manhattan: An architectural boat tour with Paul Goldberger
Paul Goldberger discusses the architecture of Manhattan on a chartered ferry ride around the island. Brunch will be served.
10:30 A.M. Lexington Classic Cruiser
New York Skyports Marina ($75)

Sunday Matinée with Simon Schama
A screening of the 1975 film “Barry Lyndon,” directed by Stanley Kubrick, starring Ryan O’Neal in an adaptation of the William Makepeace Thackeray novel about the rise and fall of an Irish rake among the eighteenth-century British aristocracy. A discussion with Simon Schama will follow.
11 A.M. Directors Guild of America (Free event; first come, first seated.)

To the Ends of the Earth: An explorers’ brunch
Bruce Beehler, Constanza Ceruti, Reinhold Messner, and Bruce Robison will talk with David Grann about modern-day exploration. Brunch will be served.
1 P.M. Explorers Club ($75)

My Life in Three Courses
Nora Ephron talks with Ken Auletta
Nora Ephron cooks three dishes, each representing a distinct phase in her life, while Ken Auletta helps out in the kitchen. Snacks and drinks will be provided.
1 P.M. Culinary Loft ($75)

Inside the House of Zac
Zac Posen talks with Judith Thurman
In his atelier, Zac Posen will discuss the creation of his new collection—from concept to manufacture, from the runway to the boulevard.
1 P.M. The meeting place will be indicated on the tickets. ($75)

Come Hungry
Calvin Trillin leads his sixth annual gastronomic walking tour of downtown, sharing his favorite eateries and culminating in a dim-sum banquet in Chinatown.
1 P.M. The starting point will be indicated on the tickets. ($100)

IN CONVERSATION WITH

Jon Stewart talks with David Remnick
4 P.M. Directors Guild of America ($50)
All ticket proceeds will go to the Committee to Protect Journalists and the U.S.O.

NEW YORKER TALKS

Mohammed Nasseehu Ali
Blinding the Seer: Our Love/Hate Relationship with Prophets
10 A.M. 37 Arts ($25)

Malcolm Gladwell
The Case Against Secrets
1 P.M. 37 Arts ($25)

Zadie Smith
Fail Better
4 P.M. 37 Arts ($25)

MASTER CLASSES
Seminars for people with advanced interest in the topic.

Master Class in Editing
With Roger Angell, Dorothy Wickenden, and Daniel Zalewski.
10 A.M. Condé Nast Auditorium ($25)

Master Class in Criticism
With Hilton Als and Anthony Lane.
1 P.M. Condé Nast Auditorium ($25)

Master Class in Cartooning
With Matthew Diffee and Edward Koren.
4 P.M. Condé Nast Auditorium ($25)

BOOK SIGNINGS
(Please note the schedule of book signings at the bottom of this e-mail.)
11 A.M. to 5 P.M.
Barnes & Noble Booksellers
Union Square (Free)

HEADQUARTERS
The New Yorker Festival headquarters is at the Union Square Barnes & Noble Booksellers, 33 East 17th Street. There you can find additional information on Festival programs and purchase last-minute available tickets. You may also purchase books and DVDs by New Yorker and Festival contributors. The headquarters will be open on Friday from 3 to 10 P.M., on Saturday from 10 A.M. to 10 P.M., and on Sunday from 10 A.M. to 5 P.M.

BOOK SIGNINGS
Following is a schedule of Saturday and Sunday free book signings at Festival Headquarters. Schedule subject to change.

SATURDAY, OCTOBER 7

11 A.M.
T. Coraghessan Boyle — “Talk Talk”
Edward P. Jones — “All Aunt Hagar’s Children: Stories”

12 NOON
Andy Borowitz — “The Republican Playbook”
Matthew Diffee (editor) — “The Rejection Collection:
Cartoons You Never Saw, and Never Will See, in The New Yorker”
Featuring: Marisa Acocella Marchetto, Danny Shanahan, David Sipress, Barbara Smaller, Gahan Wilson, and Jack Ziegler

1 P.M.
Elizabeth Kolbert — “Field Notes from a Catastrophe: Man, Nature, and Climate Change”

2 P.M.
Thomas McGuane — “Gallatin Canyon: Stories”
Antonya Nelson — “Some Fun: Stories and a Novella”

3 P.M.
Julian Barnes — “Arthur & George”
Andrea Lee — “Lost Hearts in Italy: A Novel”

4 P.M.
Jeffrey Goldberg — “Prisoners: A Muslim and a Jew Across the Middle East Divide”

David Remnick — “Reporting: Writings from The New Yorker”

SUNDAY, OCTOBER 8

11 A.M.
Calvin Trillin — “A Heckuva Job: More of the Bush Administration in Rhyme”

12 NOON
Monica Ali — “Alentejo Blue: Fiction”
Gary Shteyngart — “Absurdistan: A Novel”

1 P.M.
Roz Chast — “Theories of Everything: Selected, Collected, and Health-Inspected Cartoons by Roz Chast, 1978-2006”

2 P.M.
Lawrence Wright — “The Looming Tower: Al-Qaeda and the Road to 9/11”

3 P.M.
Donald Antrim — “The Afterlife: A Memoir”
George Saunders — “In Persuasion Nation: Stories”

4 P.M.
Bill Buford — “Heat: An Amateur’s Adventures as Kitchen Slave, Line Cook, Pasta-Maker, and Apprentice to a Dante-Quoting Butcher in Tuscany”
Nora Ephron — “I Feel Bad About My Neck: And Other Thoughts on Being a Woman”

Tickets to all Festival events may be purchased on Thursday, September 7th, at 12 noon E.S.T. All programming is subject to change. Tickets available online at ticketmaster.com, at all outlets, or by phone: call 1-877-391-0545. All ticket orders are subject to service charges.

The 2006 program schedule will also appear in the September 11th issue of The New Yorker, on newsstands September 4th. The Festival schedule will also be posted on the same date on festival.newyorker.com.

See you at the Festival!