I asked some friends of Emdashes (whose abbreviation is not FOE) if they’d like to send some virtual valentines to a person, thing, or idea at The New Yorker. OK, that’s not completely true—I actually asked them to send a virtual holiday present back in December, but you know how these things go. So whether you hate Valentine’s Day or just sort of hate it, I hope this is a happy diversion, and I personally send kisses (and I’m told they’re quality) to every single one of you. Oh, and you’ll need to skip to the jump for the funny and gorgeous drawings by Patricia Storms; the first, while Christmas-themed, is eerily perfect for this week’s anniversary Tilley cover. Definitely click to enlarge!

Daniel Handler (Adverbs: A Novel, Lemony Snicket’s The End, &c.):
For Malcolm Gladwell: Three poems by Elizabeth Bishop, the first season of Golden Girls, a TRS-80 computer, a jar of dill pickles, and the results of a sociological study from the 1950s, with the expectation that he can find a life-guiding philosophical principle which governs all these specific items.

Mac Montandon (writer for Radar magazine and the author of the nonfiction book Jetpack Dreams, to be published by Da Capo Press in 2008):
1. Weekly assignments for Nick Paumgarten, Mark Singer, and Dana Goodyear.
2. A few more kids for Adam Gopnik—the better to generate story ideas.
3. A standing invitation for Ian Frazier to stop by any time and entertain me and my family with wonderful, witty tales.
4. The opportunity for David Remnick to reconsider that Silence of the City book idea.
5. Comma quotas for all!

Jesse Thorn (host, The Sound of Young America):
I would like to send Roger Angell season tickets to the Red Sox and an elixir of eternal life.

Carolita Johnson (Newyorkette and New Yorker cartoonist):
1. I’d send a beautifully tender, juicy, crackly-skinned, roasted chicken to Gary Shteyngart, with whom I had fun eating and talking about food at the Gin and Books party!
2. To Adam Gopnik, Microsoft Word’s Random Metaphor Check (as soon as it becomes available).
3. And to Orhan Pamuk, I’d send a chill pill after reading “My Father’s Suitcase”! I’ll throw in a self-flagellatory whip (one-time use only, because I do so like him).

A fan who prefers to remain anonymous has $500
for humorist Patricia Marx.

David Marc Fischer (proprietor of Blog About Town and frequent loser of the Cartoon Caption Contest):
1. To Sasha Frere-Jones: A crate of heart-shaped rockist crackers.
2. To Emily Gordon: The return of Elk Candy. [Yes, please! —Ed.]
3. To Zachary Kanin (gatekeeper of the Cartoon Caption Contest): Whatever he wants, capische?

John Bucher (New Yorker Comment and, if all goes well, brand-new Emdashes intern):
1. Backup batteries for Rik Hertzberg’s common-sense Taser.
2. A ride on an icebreaker ship (or the biggest dump truck in the world) for John McPhee.
3. A spot for Elizabeth Kolbert in the VP’s next shooting party.
4. For Malcolm Gladwell: a Golden Ticket and a tour of the factory.

Patricia Storms (freelance cartoonist and illustrator living in Toronto, who’s illustrating a children’s book for Scholastic Canada and a humor book for Chronicle Books, both out fall 2007; a book of her cartoons about Valentine’s Day will be out in February 2008 from Red Rock Press):
1. This may sound sappy, but I’d love to give Eustace Tilley a big fat kiss as a thank-you for delighting me with such a stellar magazine. I’m feeling especially mushy about The New Yorker this year, because after many years of my reading my mom’s used New Yorker copies, she finally decided to give me a year’s subscription as a Christmas present. What the hell took you so long, ma? (Kidding, I’m kidding.)

2. And in the spirit of the season, even though I tease poor Franzie mercilessly in my cartoons, I’d like to give good ol’ Jonathan Franzen, contributor to The New Yorker and lover of all things Charlie Brownish, a hug. I think he needs it.